Mrs. L'Engle reflects better than I’ll ever reflect. Even though I am a reflective person, I end up reflecting in circles, creating spirals in my head until I swirl out of clarity and into a deep, deep confusion. I’ll wonder so hard that I’ll forget what I’m wondering about. That kind of thing. Focus. Focus. I tell myself to focus. Today, I’m focusing on Madeleine’s words because it happens to be what I have been aimlessly wondering about, though I didn’t know it until now.
What is the difference between “real” and “actual” anyway? A gap cannot exist between two things unless those two things are distanced from one another. So, how is this distance achieved between two words so seemingly synonymous?
What is an apple, actually? It is a fruit, varying in color and crunch.
What is an apple, really? It is a fruit, varying in color and crunch, which at its core (no pun intended) is composed of atoms, which are composed of vibrating strings…perhaps? Just a theory…
An apple is really and actually an apple. I am really and actually me. I am actually a human being with blond, curly hair, green eyes, 5’4”. I am really a human being, created in the image of God, created to glorify Him, created to love Him and others. I am really and actually both of these things.
Maybe we use these words differently. Maybe that is why there is a gap between them. Just a theory. Regardless, I have just used the theory, and for the purpose of this writing exercise, I have formed a gap between the real me and the actual me. It is possible that Madeleine would concur that if I merely admit that there is a gap for the “purpose of this writing exercise,” then I have made no attempt to face it at all. But, I am writing about it with the intent of discovering, upon some sentence or word, the severity of this supposed gap within me.
I think I may be on to something, actually. (Now, I hesitate to use that word—actually…) It is true that when I begin to question who I really am, I take my imaginary blackboard and my imaginary chalk, and write words: except, I won’t really tell you what words because they may not be the words that others would use to describe me. And it is most unlikely that God himself would use those very words to describe his creation. The very fact that I account for that discord speaks volumes about the distance that I have formed between my real and actual self.
There is a gap.
I am not completely whole. Undoubtedly. Who would Jesus say that I actually am? Because, with all of my being, I believe that through HIM, we can be whole. I suppose that on my journey through life, my purpose is to minimize; to close fast the gap that exists between who the world says that I actually am and who Jesus says that I really am.
Actually, I am sinful, depraved, selfish, and needy. I despise my nature. But, BUT, really, in all reality, I have Jesus in me and I am REDEEMED! As an image bearer of God, I am composed of the very things that make up who He is. Because He lives in me, I have hope. I have love. I have courage. I have strength. I strive for compassion. I live for Him. I am loved.
And this is where it gets infinitely more incredible. I've been reading C.S. Lewis' Great Divorce, and realize that he's trying to convey this very truth! I will explain, but first let me just say that great and awesome things happen in this heart and head of mine when two authors whom I admire end up trying to say the same thing. It serves as beautiful proof to me, that we are (if we're fixing our gaze on the right thing) attempting to reflect the Truth that is God. In his book, Mr. Lewis writes:
“Hell is a state of mind, ye never said a truer word. And every state of mind, left to itself, every shutting up of the creature within the dungeon of its own mind—is, in the end, Hell. But Heaven is not a state of mind. Heaven is reality itself. All that is fully real is heavenly.”
Madeleine l'Engle calls this distance formed between actual creation and real creator God, “the gap.” C..S. Lewis calls it “the great divorce.” Jesus calls it sin. In the end, that is all it is. It is our pride. It is our desperate attempt to perfect our own state of mind instead of residing in the beauty of the truth and reality that is Jesus.
He is the only thing that can close that gap; rectify that marriage. Redeem. And he prays for it in John:17
“I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, that they may be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they may also be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me. The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them, and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.”
And then, we shall have it. The closing of the gap, the antithesis of divorce, a glorious marriage of hearts and souls, pursuing the richest and most satisfying of loves. We shall be one. It will be real. There will be heaven! And as Lewis says so beautifully (in the weight of glory, I think) we will "mingle with the splendours," that we now only taste.
